A Story of Silence and Self

PATA NAHI 

 it might seem simple, even casual. But those two words have become my escape hatch, a way to distance myself from the noise of questions like... Why am I feeling this way? Why can’t I just express myself the way I used to? Where did I go wrong? In some ways, saying “pata nahi” is a shield.

A way to avoid the deeper questions I don’t have answers to. It’s a momentary pause in the face of everything I don’t understand about myself or the world.

Over time, I stopped talking to friends, pulled away from those closest to me.

And in that silence, I started wondering “Do I even have my own thoughts anymore? Or am I just a blend of the people I talk to?” It’s strange, but I realized something while sitting with that question

Maybe, that’s just how it works for everyone. We all borrow bits of each other’s beliefs, opinions, and experiences. We are, in a way, shaped by the people we interact with.

But here’s the thing 

I wasn’t entirely okay with that...I began questioning whether I was still me, or just a collection of voices that weren’t my own. I started to feel like I was no longer in control of my thoughts. they were echoes of everyone around me.

One day, I was talking if a man lying on the side of the road, intoxicated and unconscious.

One person, understandably said, “I would never want to end up like that. That’s not the life I want.”

But another person someone who understood the complexities of life said,

“You never know what led him here. What if something broke him today? What if we’re not seeing the full story?” And I had to stop and think. Both viewpoints were valid, weren’t they? On the one hand, judgment can be a way to decide what not to become, to set boundaries for our future. On the other, it can blind us to the deeper story behind the actions of others. It’s a balance. And that’s what I’ve been learning. Judging doesn’t always have to be negative. Sometimes, it’s a way to protect myself to define what’s okay for me and what isn’t. But judgment should be mindful, rooted in understanding not just assumptions.

I’ve spent so long trying to fit into the roles I thought were expected of me trying to mirror those around me. And while that made me good at connecting with people, it left me feeling like I didn’t know who I really was anymore. I’m starting to realize now that I don’t need to be a mirror.

I need to be a window open, clear and unapologetically me. But that’s harder than it seems.

I feel like I’m constantly adjusting to the people around me reflecting their personalities...their beliefs. And when I don’t like the company I’m keeping, it becomes almost impossible to avoid their influence. I’m torn between staying true to myself and letting others energies shape me.

But I’m slowly learning to take back control of my thoughts...opinions and most importantly my voice.

Here’s something that hit me recently I wondered “What if I don’t like living with my family anymore?” It sounds odd right? I never expected to feel that way. But the thought crept in and I didn’t know whether to run from it or confront it. It’s terrifying to feel like you’re outgrowing your environment. It’s like a quiet rebellion inside that says, “I want more. I need more.” And that’s what it is. A realization that I’m changing, and maybe the people and situations around me aren’t keeping up.

But this doesn’t mean I love them any less. It means I’m learning to expand beyond what feels familiar.

I’m not bad at expressing myself. I’ve just been around people who didn’t let me finish. People who interrupted my thoughts before they could fully form. I wasn’t given the space to talk freely.  It was the environment that wasn’t allowing me to fully grow into my voice...Now I’m slowly finding the courage to speak.

To say what I feel, even if it’s messy or contradictory.

Sometimes, you have to lose yourself a little to find who you really are.

And sometimes, you have to stop saying “pata nahi” to escape, and instead say, “I’m figuring this out.”